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I always say that I'd rather love and be made a fool of later than choose hate out of fear that I'll look silly. but damn during elections I truly hate being made to feel hope. being naive and actually expecting the best from people suuuucks. anyway let's go lula ❤️ even though states + congress just got the worst people elected ever so who knows if we'll live through these 4 years.
this downward spiral is lasting way too long, I need the new season of yellowjackets stat. I'll give a cdrama a try for the first time! well, technically second time since I watched two or three episodes of the untamed about five billion years ago. whatever good faith ghost possessed me at the beginning of the year is gone, I feel no inclination to watch a romcom kdrama right now.
one thing I was thinking about earlier is that kdramas are very consistent about the styling they give their bad guys/villains, especially the henchmen. that kind of thing will fizzle out in a couple decades with some luck - at least it did here, very recently - but I always catch myself thinking "why is it always the long-haired guy with a cool hairstyle?" lol it puts a little into perspective why korean fans seem to favor boring short hairstyles so much. we could've had long-haired younghoon if only his fanbase didn't hate long hair with a passion.
I'm flopping magnificently in gywo, this should be my last year trying. it's about time I accept I'm just not disciplined enough for anything creative lol or anything at all, let's be real. it's a wonder I eat and shower everyday. #loserclub
oneus' new album is just okay to me but I think I'm the problem, I'm not in the mood for the pop rock vibes. it suits them, it has always suited them. seodo are looking GOOD. yuqi's new mv suits her better than whatever she was trying to do for some of her english releases but it's still very taylor swift so not my vibe either. so to sum it up nothing is my vibe right now... can I go to sleep for like six months to see if that resets my brain...
oh and happy birthday kauê!!!
this downward spiral is lasting way too long, I need the new season of yellowjackets stat. I'll give a cdrama a try for the first time! well, technically second time since I watched two or three episodes of the untamed about five billion years ago. whatever good faith ghost possessed me at the beginning of the year is gone, I feel no inclination to watch a romcom kdrama right now.
one thing I was thinking about earlier is that kdramas are very consistent about the styling they give their bad guys/villains, especially the henchmen. that kind of thing will fizzle out in a couple decades with some luck - at least it did here, very recently - but I always catch myself thinking "why is it always the long-haired guy with a cool hairstyle?" lol it puts a little into perspective why korean fans seem to favor boring short hairstyles so much. we could've had long-haired younghoon if only his fanbase didn't hate long hair with a passion.
I'm flopping magnificently in gywo, this should be my last year trying. it's about time I accept I'm just not disciplined enough for anything creative lol or anything at all, let's be real. it's a wonder I eat and shower everyday. #loserclub
oneus' new album is just okay to me but I think I'm the problem, I'm not in the mood for the pop rock vibes. it suits them, it has always suited them. seodo are looking GOOD. yuqi's new mv suits her better than whatever she was trying to do for some of her english releases but it's still very taylor swift so not my vibe either. so to sum it up nothing is my vibe right now... can I go to sleep for like six months to see if that resets my brain...
oh and happy birthday kauê!!!
friday fiveee
Friday, 2 October 2026 22:591. What areas of your life are causing you stress?
what area ISN'T causing me stress 😭 money is always the #1 issue and if I had any to spare most of the stress would be manageable. right now I'm stressed tf out about politics (elections on sunday!!!), extended family issues (that could impact my living situation), professional issues (aka I need a better job/a career)... my personal life if you could call it that is just me forcing myself to socialize irl > feeling incredibly out of place among people my age > sighing in relief once I get home. I need to see a psychiatrist soon (definitely need to up my meds), my teeth need work, I need new glasses, I apparently have gastritis (???)... anyway lol money would solve like 90% of all that.
2. What areas of your life are bringing you joy?
watching a novela with my mom every night. playing the sims for the past couple days. it's currently very good weather since it drizzled today so yay joy! that about covers it.
3. What is your earliest childhood memory?
I actually don't know. I remember flashes of when I was 7 and I had to live with an aunt for a while, those might be my earliest memories. I remember watching 9/11 on tv, even lol actual, more concrete and continuous memories start right after that, around the time I turned 8.
(every time someone says they have memories of when they were 5, or 4, or 3 I'm like wtf brains can do that?!?! why is mine broken!!!)
4. What is the one thing you would tell your teenage self if you could?
girl do NOT choose a major you like. follow the money even if you hate studying biology/chemistry. actually don't even bother with college, go straight into professional courses 😭
5. What has been the greatest accomplishment of your life so far?
ironically given my previous answer, finishing college? it means zilch in my life but objectively, not everyone gets to have a degree, so in the grand scheme of things that's an accomplishment.
a silly answer would be that it makes me really, really happy to write silly little fics of boyz kissing and have people enjoy it too. it sounds inconsequential, but to me it's an accomplishment to write something the way I want to and have it mean something to someone else :')
what area ISN'T causing me stress 😭 money is always the #1 issue and if I had any to spare most of the stress would be manageable. right now I'm stressed tf out about politics (elections on sunday!!!), extended family issues (that could impact my living situation), professional issues (aka I need a better job/a career)... my personal life if you could call it that is just me forcing myself to socialize irl > feeling incredibly out of place among people my age > sighing in relief once I get home. I need to see a psychiatrist soon (definitely need to up my meds), my teeth need work, I need new glasses, I apparently have gastritis (???)... anyway lol money would solve like 90% of all that.
2. What areas of your life are bringing you joy?
watching a novela with my mom every night. playing the sims for the past couple days. it's currently very good weather since it drizzled today so yay joy! that about covers it.
3. What is your earliest childhood memory?
I actually don't know. I remember flashes of when I was 7 and I had to live with an aunt for a while, those might be my earliest memories. I remember watching 9/11 on tv, even lol actual, more concrete and continuous memories start right after that, around the time I turned 8.
(every time someone says they have memories of when they were 5, or 4, or 3 I'm like wtf brains can do that?!?! why is mine broken!!!)
4. What is the one thing you would tell your teenage self if you could?
girl do NOT choose a major you like. follow the money even if you hate studying biology/chemistry. actually don't even bother with college, go straight into professional courses 😭
5. What has been the greatest accomplishment of your life so far?
ironically given my previous answer, finishing college? it means zilch in my life but objectively, not everyone gets to have a degree, so in the grand scheme of things that's an accomplishment.
a silly answer would be that it makes me really, really happy to write silly little fics of boyz kissing and have people enjoy it too. it sounds inconsequential, but to me it's an accomplishment to write something the way I want to and have it mean something to someone else :')
friday five
Friday, 25 September 2026 21:17these are fun!!
1. If you could instantly become an expert in something, what would it be?
is it cheating if I choose "to be fluent in many different languages"? does that count as being an expert? if not, I think I'd choose to instantly become an expert in software development. the career opportunities!
2. If you could do anything in the world as your career, what would you do?
my default answer is always writer - I wish I could write professionally and pay my bills that way. but being a professional dancer would be a lot of fun too. like, let me be in the background dancing behind a popstar LOL that would be such a fun job.
3. If you could be immortal, what age would you choose to stop aging at and why?
...what if I passed it already lol I'd rather stop it now or choose 25 if I could go back in time. by 25 my brain had developed out of its dumb teen phase, my joints were in pristine shape, and I had no trouble sleeping.
4. If you could be any supernatural creature, what would you be and why?
VAMPIRE. I love vampires. drinking blood doesn't sound so bad tbh, and I get to still look humanish. I don't wanna be hairy like a werewolf, nor scaly like a mermaid; I don't want wings, I think shapeshifters have a risky ability, I'm not great in nature to be an elf... what else?
5. If you had to teach a class on one thing, what would you teach?
the boyz lol with prep time I could teach some basic linguistics/translation theory, probably. I could do a basic "learn how to interpret a story and infer things from what the script/book is telling you" class 😂 I like to think about that.
1. If you could instantly become an expert in something, what would it be?
is it cheating if I choose "to be fluent in many different languages"? does that count as being an expert? if not, I think I'd choose to instantly become an expert in software development. the career opportunities!
2. If you could do anything in the world as your career, what would you do?
my default answer is always writer - I wish I could write professionally and pay my bills that way. but being a professional dancer would be a lot of fun too. like, let me be in the background dancing behind a popstar LOL that would be such a fun job.
3. If you could be immortal, what age would you choose to stop aging at and why?
...what if I passed it already lol I'd rather stop it now or choose 25 if I could go back in time. by 25 my brain had developed out of its dumb teen phase, my joints were in pristine shape, and I had no trouble sleeping.
4. If you could be any supernatural creature, what would you be and why?
VAMPIRE. I love vampires. drinking blood doesn't sound so bad tbh, and I get to still look humanish. I don't wanna be hairy like a werewolf, nor scaly like a mermaid; I don't want wings, I think shapeshifters have a risky ability, I'm not great in nature to be an elf... what else?
5. If you had to teach a class on one thing, what would you teach?
the boyz lol with prep time I could teach some basic linguistics/translation theory, probably. I could do a basic "learn how to interpret a story and infer things from what the script/book is telling you" class 😂 I like to think about that.
(no subject)
Thursday, 24 September 2026 23:20the other day I saw this video on instagram and forwarded it to an irl friend who has recently been diagnosed with depression. she replied with "oh, for me it's only #1". it was good to hear that, since no one wants a friend to go through all 5, but I was just left with an Oh moment. oh, nevermind, we're playing completely different games here then.
because you see, that video describes me to a T lol especially #3 and #5. god, #5 kills me inside in ways I can't describe without sounding stupid. it's a real, painful struggle seeing the state of the world, coming across so many people who need help, who are in pain, in despair, dying, begging and feeling powerless to help, every single day. watching a coup d'etat be drawn up in plain view and seeing people debate semantics on social media. like? the thinking and worrying about how many bad things are happening all the time is a constant, but right now it's getting conflated with the fear of what's gonna happen in october and making me feel so hopeless. I need elections to be over already without the U.S interfering (again), without tragedy, without blood being spilled.
anyway, I've just been thinking about that video + my friend's reaction for days now. like woah. this tumblr post I saw the other day sums it up pretty well:
because you see, that video describes me to a T lol especially #3 and #5. god, #5 kills me inside in ways I can't describe without sounding stupid. it's a real, painful struggle seeing the state of the world, coming across so many people who need help, who are in pain, in despair, dying, begging and feeling powerless to help, every single day. watching a coup d'etat be drawn up in plain view and seeing people debate semantics on social media. like? the thinking and worrying about how many bad things are happening all the time is a constant, but right now it's getting conflated with the fear of what's gonna happen in october and making me feel so hopeless. I need elections to be over already without the U.S interfering (again), without tragedy, without blood being spilled.
anyway, I've just been thinking about that video + my friend's reaction for days now. like woah. this tumblr post I saw the other day sums it up pretty well:
I wish depression were an emergency. I wish someone could take one look at how sick I am and go “oh my god, we need to get you to a hospital!” and then when we get there I get rushed into surgery and the surgeons say “it’s a good thing you brought her here when you did, this is a seriously advanced case” and then they put me under and spend the next ten hours pulling metres of long, sticky black strands of gunk out of my body, throwing it immediately into an incinerator so that it can’t infect anyone else. And then they could stitch me back up and I could rest a few days, and when I leave the hospital everyone can see how much better I am and they congratulate me saying “well done, you’ve been so brave, I’m so glad you’re ok. I love you.
I've been so dead inside I keep just wasting away time watching random instagram reels for hours. me! watching instagram reels!!! horrible news for my state of mind. in other news, I'll have to spend a shitton of money in dental work because apparently my teeth are about to break apart and fall out. also not great for my state of mind; I keep having nightmares about my teeth falling out... sigh.
it's hot as fuck right now but more bearable than the past few years since I moved places and I'm not being cooked alive every night. still annoyingly hot, though. haven't been playing games or doing any hobbies, which must be partially the depreshum and partially just the weather being the way it is. no, I don't wanna turn on my computer before 8pm, thanks!! that makes me hotter!! which also means I haven't been writing. the eternal cycle of not writing > feeling like shit > being unable to write because I feel shitty > feeling shittier and so on and so forth.
I did write a short pwp the other day, with... OCs?! it feels kinda weird, I don't know how to write OCs but none of my fandoms are depraved enough for kinktober. or I'm too stuck-up in my headcanons etc etc I've talked about this before. what's sad is that for years I could never picture tbz in anything too kinky (they just looked too vanilla/young, idk), but now that I *can*, things are [gestures vaguely] like this. idk man I could totally make milric go wild, I just don't feel like it. will I ever feel like it again? remains to be seen.
just because, I'll leave the start of a fic I had been planning before this year happened. it was supposed to be omegaverse because of COURSE I had to give it a try, as a bona fide gemini who never says "ew, I could never", only "well, could I? we'll see" lol
( juric 1k words of nothing )
it's hot as fuck right now but more bearable than the past few years since I moved places and I'm not being cooked alive every night. still annoyingly hot, though. haven't been playing games or doing any hobbies, which must be partially the depreshum and partially just the weather being the way it is. no, I don't wanna turn on my computer before 8pm, thanks!! that makes me hotter!! which also means I haven't been writing. the eternal cycle of not writing > feeling like shit > being unable to write because I feel shitty > feeling shittier and so on and so forth.
I did write a short pwp the other day, with... OCs?! it feels kinda weird, I don't know how to write OCs but none of my fandoms are depraved enough for kinktober. or I'm too stuck-up in my headcanons etc etc I've talked about this before. what's sad is that for years I could never picture tbz in anything too kinky (they just looked too vanilla/young, idk), but now that I *can*, things are [gestures vaguely] like this. idk man I could totally make milric go wild, I just don't feel like it. will I ever feel like it again? remains to be seen.
just because, I'll leave the start of a fic I had been planning before this year happened. it was supposed to be omegaverse because of COURSE I had to give it a try, as a bona fide gemini who never says "ew, I could never", only "well, could I? we'll see" lol
( juric 1k words of nothing )
1. Do you decorate your home for different seasons and holidays?
no.
2. Do you switch out your wardrobe for each new season?
no.
3. Are you buying any new clothes for this new season?
no.
4. What vacation plans do you have for the future?
none.
5. Have you started planning for the upcoming holiday season?
no.
...all of that to say, this is equal parts cultural differences and me just being a depressed mf. there's no "new season" feeling in the global south (at least not at my latitude), all seasons look/feel the same except for rain. given that I live somewhere with really really really low humidity, not even that changes much throughout the year lol we do plan things around school breaks/holidays, particularly in july and in december/january, but that's the depressed/broke part, I don't usually travel anywhere. my extended family gave up trying to meet for the holidays about 10 years ago so no family gatherings either. as a kid/preteen, I tried decorating the house for christmas but since my mom gives exactly 0 fucks about it, I gave that up early on.
HOWEVER! I have my beloved law-enforced yearly vacation period, for which I plan to just sleep and read books. maaaaaybe go to the pool sometimes... maybe have some doctors appointments too, idk.
no.
2. Do you switch out your wardrobe for each new season?
no.
3. Are you buying any new clothes for this new season?
no.
4. What vacation plans do you have for the future?
none.
5. Have you started planning for the upcoming holiday season?
no.
...all of that to say, this is equal parts cultural differences and me just being a depressed mf. there's no "new season" feeling in the global south (at least not at my latitude), all seasons look/feel the same except for rain. given that I live somewhere with really really really low humidity, not even that changes much throughout the year lol we do plan things around school breaks/holidays, particularly in july and in december/january, but that's the depressed/broke part, I don't usually travel anywhere. my extended family gave up trying to meet for the holidays about 10 years ago so no family gatherings either. as a kid/preteen, I tried decorating the house for christmas but since my mom gives exactly 0 fucks about it, I gave that up early on.
HOWEVER! I have my beloved law-enforced yearly vacation period, for which I plan to just sleep and read books. maaaaaybe go to the pool sometimes... maybe have some doctors appointments too, idk.
anyone who's gone further into tbz than reading their kprofile page knows that kevin has had a really rough time so far. he struggled to adapt to korea, he was deliberately silenced by his companies, and his creativity has been stifled for nearly a decade. compounding on that there's the fact that for some reason he's always been the target of hateful attacks within and outside the fandom. dude has had his work stolen, had his identity silenced, his image smeared, and some very real and open struggles with eating disorders/body dysmorphia.
so out of respect for him, and his very rough patch so far, I haven't engaged with his recent diatribes against kpop. like yeah, this is his first time since he was idk 17 that he can say what he wants publicly, and I have a lot of empathy for that. he doesn't need to tell us verbatim for us to know that as fans, we're very lucky he's chosen to stay all this time.
I don't agree with him, though. about the careless appropriation of black and queer culture, yes. about how kpop is soulless and all the music he's done with tbz is pointless, not so much. instead of arguing with him, which I don't want to do, I'll just ramble on my own here.
( I'm a sad little shit and I'm just negative about everything )
so out of respect for him, and his very rough patch so far, I haven't engaged with his recent diatribes against kpop. like yeah, this is his first time since he was idk 17 that he can say what he wants publicly, and I have a lot of empathy for that. he doesn't need to tell us verbatim for us to know that as fans, we're very lucky he's chosen to stay all this time.
I don't agree with him, though. about the careless appropriation of black and queer culture, yes. about how kpop is soulless and all the music he's done with tbz is pointless, not so much. instead of arguing with him, which I don't want to do, I'll just ramble on my own here.
( I'm a sad little shit and I'm just negative about everything )
movies meme
Saturday, 5 September 2026 23:38taken from here.
1) Which movie theater were you (or are you) especially fond of?
none in particular. I know I had very happy memories at the theater I went to all the time as a preteen - I remember how much the ticket cost, even! but I don't remember much else. my oldest movie memory-that-I'm-not-sure-is-a-memory is of watching spirited away at a classic movie theater in the city I grew up in, and I hold that (supposed?) memory very fondly. even if it's a fake memory.
2) What memories do you have of going to the video store?
getting posters!!! my mom and I would always ask if they had any posters they didn't want anymore. for a good few years there was a jim carrey poster hanging on the wall of our apartment just because lol I've always liked posters. I also remember that it was always a gamble because oftentimes the cd would be so scratched, I'd give up watching... one time I was watching a movie with my mom and the cd scratched right at a sex scene which was of course awkward enough for me to still remember it.
(I caught the VHS era, my first childhood memories are just nonexistent.)
3) What memories do you have of going to the movies with friends?
the harry potter premieres!!! T^T cried our absolute heads off with deathly hallows parts 1 and 2 at midnight showings where a lot of people were in cosplay. it felt very symbolic that we were in our late teen years watching the final parts together after growing up with that story... I was at the midnight premiere for I think goblet of fire?? or order of the phoenix? or both?! idk, with different friends, in a different city, so that was a tradition I kept going for a while. I really miss having that attachment to a piece of media that's so massive most of your friends are into it too, and you can enjoy all the hubbub surrounding it, including premieres and special events.
the same friends I watched movies 4/5 with were the friends I visited again after moving out of state. during that visit, I remember we watched madagascar 2??? in theaters and all I can remember is that I either didn't like the movie, or didn't understand something, I don't know; I just remember feeling underwhelmed lol we were also at a mall I didn't know so maybe I was just feeling very "wow things changed since I've been gone".
one time, already maybe at my last or second to last year in high school, I went to the movies with a group of classmates, including my crush. we somehow ended up sitting side by side (!) so that felt monumental. I don't know what I was expecting, it's not like she was just gonna turn to the side and kiss me crazy style lol but I remember feeling very excited to be sitting next to my crush in a dark movie theater.
the one time I snuck into a +18 movie with a friend was to see jennifer's body with my friend who had recently figured out she was bi (or a lesbian, I can't recall), so the entire experience felt very symbolic too. it was all for megan fox!!!
lastly, it was fun to watch barbie with everyone else wearing pink lol my friends complimented my pink outfit (they didn't bother) but I just remember thinking that I looked stupid, as usual. still, the experience was fun.
4) What memories do you have of going to the movies with family?
my mom took me to see angelina jokie's wanted when I was like, 14 or 15. it felt very important that I was watching an +18 rated movie in theaters lol the sad thing is that in the past few years she always likes stuff I don't, so I tag along to make her company but more often than not we disagree... sorry, mom, I'm not an avatar person at all...
5) What are the most unusual places where you’ve attended a movie?
not THAT unusual but unusual for me: I had the chance to go to a drive-in theater a couple times! there was one in the town I lived in for college. that was so very fun, I wish I could do it again.
and wait, almost forgot: I watched two hitchcock movies in college because I think the cinema department just had these weekly showings for classics, so I caught two of them. excellent experience too, 10/10.
1) Which movie theater were you (or are you) especially fond of?
none in particular. I know I had very happy memories at the theater I went to all the time as a preteen - I remember how much the ticket cost, even! but I don't remember much else. my oldest movie memory-that-I'm-not-sure-is-a-memory is of watching spirited away at a classic movie theater in the city I grew up in, and I hold that (supposed?) memory very fondly. even if it's a fake memory.
2) What memories do you have of going to the video store?
getting posters!!! my mom and I would always ask if they had any posters they didn't want anymore. for a good few years there was a jim carrey poster hanging on the wall of our apartment just because lol I've always liked posters. I also remember that it was always a gamble because oftentimes the cd would be so scratched, I'd give up watching... one time I was watching a movie with my mom and the cd scratched right at a sex scene which was of course awkward enough for me to still remember it.
(I caught the VHS era, my first childhood memories are just nonexistent.)
3) What memories do you have of going to the movies with friends?
the harry potter premieres!!! T^T cried our absolute heads off with deathly hallows parts 1 and 2 at midnight showings where a lot of people were in cosplay. it felt very symbolic that we were in our late teen years watching the final parts together after growing up with that story... I was at the midnight premiere for I think goblet of fire?? or order of the phoenix? or both?! idk, with different friends, in a different city, so that was a tradition I kept going for a while. I really miss having that attachment to a piece of media that's so massive most of your friends are into it too, and you can enjoy all the hubbub surrounding it, including premieres and special events.
the same friends I watched movies 4/5 with were the friends I visited again after moving out of state. during that visit, I remember we watched madagascar 2??? in theaters and all I can remember is that I either didn't like the movie, or didn't understand something, I don't know; I just remember feeling underwhelmed lol we were also at a mall I didn't know so maybe I was just feeling very "wow things changed since I've been gone".
one time, already maybe at my last or second to last year in high school, I went to the movies with a group of classmates, including my crush. we somehow ended up sitting side by side (!) so that felt monumental. I don't know what I was expecting, it's not like she was just gonna turn to the side and kiss me crazy style lol but I remember feeling very excited to be sitting next to my crush in a dark movie theater.
the one time I snuck into a +18 movie with a friend was to see jennifer's body with my friend who had recently figured out she was bi (or a lesbian, I can't recall), so the entire experience felt very symbolic too. it was all for megan fox!!!
lastly, it was fun to watch barbie with everyone else wearing pink lol my friends complimented my pink outfit (they didn't bother) but I just remember thinking that I looked stupid, as usual. still, the experience was fun.
4) What memories do you have of going to the movies with family?
my mom took me to see angelina jokie's wanted when I was like, 14 or 15. it felt very important that I was watching an +18 rated movie in theaters lol the sad thing is that in the past few years she always likes stuff I don't, so I tag along to make her company but more often than not we disagree... sorry, mom, I'm not an avatar person at all...
5) What are the most unusual places where you’ve attended a movie?
not THAT unusual but unusual for me: I had the chance to go to a drive-in theater a couple times! there was one in the town I lived in for college. that was so very fun, I wish I could do it again.
and wait, almost forgot: I watched two hitchcock movies in college because I think the cinema department just had these weekly showings for classics, so I caught two of them. excellent experience too, 10/10.
sleep? ??? ??
Thursday, 3 September 2026 09:59google search how to sleep like a normal human being
just kidding, I don't need to search that. I've seen countless videos and read a good chunk of articles. the issue lies with me just. struggling. to manage sleep in any capacity.
> I need meds to sleep. if I don't take my beloved quetiapine, I just stay up until 4-ish then sleep for about two hours. and that's it.
> conversely, even with the meds, I still sometimes go to sleep late and still wake up early. for no reason. I just go to sleep at 2 and wake up at 6 sharp. again, no reason.
> do I wake up refreshed, you ask. no, I don't! I wake up sleepy as all hell!
> as a matter of fact, I'm sleepy all the time, 24 hours a day. whenever my mom asks if this or that medication doesn't make me sleepy, I pull a hulk, saying, "that's my secret. I'm always sleepy. so I don't know."
> reading makes me verrrrry sleepy. it's what keeps me from reading more nowadays. my theory is that when I focus on a book, I relax enough, feel safe enough to actually sleep, as opposed to when I just have my eyes closed and my mind keeps going nonstop.
> after 25 my body forgot how to lie in bed so I keep changing pillow height daily and more often than not get a headache from sleeping with my head too low/get back pain from sleeping with my head too high. no joke, I wonder if that means sleeping in a hammock every night would help? I love hammocks.
> sometimes I'm sleepy enough that I can absolutely fall asleep but then something weird will keep me up. this morning it was my knees feeling funny. (I don't know, man.)
> if I go to sleep early-ish, say between 22:30 and midnight, I'll often briefly wake up in the middle of the night. a couple weeks ago I kept waking up at 3:30 for several days in a row. sometimes it's 4, sometimes it's 5:30. no rhyme or reason.
> if I set an alarm to wake up early in the morning, there's a 95% chance I'll keep waking up throughout the night anxious about missing the alarm. like, waking up every hour kind of thing.
> I need to listen to something to sleep, preferably someone talking with no sound effects or random music. during the pandemic it was the same episode of a podcast, for about a year. these days it's booktube videos where someone is just talking about books. I've used sims videos, white noise videos, "fall asleep while I play" videos, dog grooming videos (?).
> never in my life (or well, at least not since I was 7) have I fallen asleep without meaning to. I thought that thing where someone is reading a book or scrolling on their phone and suddenly they drop it and fall asleep was just a thing that happened in movies, but apparently that really happens?! I have to consciously choose to go to sleep. the only time I almost fell asleep without meaning to I was at the airport after attending a concert and pulling an all-nighter, but that lasted three seconds.
> can you believe I used to sleep 15 hours straight as a teen? me neither.
just kidding, I don't need to search that. I've seen countless videos and read a good chunk of articles. the issue lies with me just. struggling. to manage sleep in any capacity.
> I need meds to sleep. if I don't take my beloved quetiapine, I just stay up until 4-ish then sleep for about two hours. and that's it.
> conversely, even with the meds, I still sometimes go to sleep late and still wake up early. for no reason. I just go to sleep at 2 and wake up at 6 sharp. again, no reason.
> do I wake up refreshed, you ask. no, I don't! I wake up sleepy as all hell!
> as a matter of fact, I'm sleepy all the time, 24 hours a day. whenever my mom asks if this or that medication doesn't make me sleepy, I pull a hulk, saying, "that's my secret. I'm always sleepy. so I don't know."
> reading makes me verrrrry sleepy. it's what keeps me from reading more nowadays. my theory is that when I focus on a book, I relax enough, feel safe enough to actually sleep, as opposed to when I just have my eyes closed and my mind keeps going nonstop.
> after 25 my body forgot how to lie in bed so I keep changing pillow height daily and more often than not get a headache from sleeping with my head too low/get back pain from sleeping with my head too high. no joke, I wonder if that means sleeping in a hammock every night would help? I love hammocks.
> sometimes I'm sleepy enough that I can absolutely fall asleep but then something weird will keep me up. this morning it was my knees feeling funny. (I don't know, man.)
> if I go to sleep early-ish, say between 22:30 and midnight, I'll often briefly wake up in the middle of the night. a couple weeks ago I kept waking up at 3:30 for several days in a row. sometimes it's 4, sometimes it's 5:30. no rhyme or reason.
> if I set an alarm to wake up early in the morning, there's a 95% chance I'll keep waking up throughout the night anxious about missing the alarm. like, waking up every hour kind of thing.
> I need to listen to something to sleep, preferably someone talking with no sound effects or random music. during the pandemic it was the same episode of a podcast, for about a year. these days it's booktube videos where someone is just talking about books. I've used sims videos, white noise videos, "fall asleep while I play" videos, dog grooming videos (?).
> never in my life (or well, at least not since I was 7) have I fallen asleep without meaning to. I thought that thing where someone is reading a book or scrolling on their phone and suddenly they drop it and fall asleep was just a thing that happened in movies, but apparently that really happens?! I have to consciously choose to go to sleep. the only time I almost fell asleep without meaning to I was at the airport after attending a concert and pulling an all-nighter, but that lasted three seconds.
> can you believe I used to sleep 15 hours straight as a teen? me neither.
friday five
Saturday, 29 August 2026 17:161. What chores did you have to do, growing up?
none that I can recall. which sounds insane, and it is insane, but I'm the only child of a single working mom who also hated doing chores so she didn't force me to do anything. I guess I just cleaned up after myself (put away my toys, clean up my mess, clear the table, etc). in that regard we were very lorelai and rory coded.
2. Which chore do you hate doing the most?
it's a tie between cooking and doing the dishes. if it's up to me I'm eating out of boxes every day.
3. Which chore do you actually enjoy doing?
none? lol but I don't hate washing the bathroom, it's the least annoying. and I can sing along to fun songs while doing it!!!
4. Did you receive an allowance when you were growing up?
I don't remember but I don't think so, that was more of a thing among the rich school friends.
5. What was (or is) your favorite subject in school?
languages/grammar! history! as a kid I really liked math too but that died down in high school.
none that I can recall. which sounds insane, and it is insane, but I'm the only child of a single working mom who also hated doing chores so she didn't force me to do anything. I guess I just cleaned up after myself (put away my toys, clean up my mess, clear the table, etc). in that regard we were very lorelai and rory coded.
2. Which chore do you hate doing the most?
it's a tie between cooking and doing the dishes. if it's up to me I'm eating out of boxes every day.
3. Which chore do you actually enjoy doing?
none? lol but I don't hate washing the bathroom, it's the least annoying. and I can sing along to fun songs while doing it!!!
4. Did you receive an allowance when you were growing up?
I don't remember but I don't think so, that was more of a thing among the rich school friends.
5. What was (or is) your favorite subject in school?
languages/grammar! history! as a kid I really liked math too but that died down in high school.
