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a/n + blog: going through old stuff
this is one of those posts I've been drafting for literal months now, so this is me going dwpost_finalver_FINAL_FINALv6.docx on this post lol
truth of the matter is, there's some fics I've always wanted to talk about, or just revisit in general, but never got around to do it. this also serves as a sort of blog post since I'm not that into tweeting my thoughtsTM lately, what with the state of twitter in general... fingers crossed it dies out soon but not too soon because we still need an alternative for fandom news!!
starting with some tmi and personal updates (cw for mental health and medication talk) - I've mentioned this before but I was in a bad spot in 2022, to the point where I wasn't really fandom-ing as I usually do. things got Bad, I went back on meds in august/22 (had stopped them pre-pandemic), and stayed on them for the good part of 2023. they helped a bunch, even more than I was expecting, with the only downside being that they left me a little (a lot) numb? lol that meant no real drive to do anything creative, including writing. I was really just going with the flow.
I'm off the meds again, however, and that's already changed things up again. I've been writing blog posts?! what do you mean I have thoughts I wanna share with the world?! how novel!!! I've also been writing a ton lately, digging up some old wips and stuff I wanted to finish... and going over these fics here was certainly part of the process of getting inspired. who doesn't love going back to old universes?
13k words, rated T [link]
initial thoughts: I went into this fest knowing that I'd be up for writing anything except maybe bbanghak (because I already had a half-finished fic for them collecting dust in my drive) and hakric (because I'd just written a hakric for djf round 2). other than that, though, anything would be cool. and I like sanghak, their dynamic is a really fun one to explore to me. friends to lovers with a healthy dose of bickering? literally my bread and butter. I think that's what drew me to this prompt. that, and the fact that it was a straightforward one - I wouldn't risk missing the deadline with a friends to lovers, contemporary au. (at least I hoped I wouldn't!)
[cue arctic monkeys' "why'd you only call me when you're high"]
πΊ I think that first scene with hak knocking on sangyeon's door while drunk was all I had when I started. this scene was the first thing that came to mind when I read the prompt, so everything that came later was inspired by it lol
πΊ fellas is it gay to notice how hot your friend looks under the unflattering lights of a supermarket? no but honestly, I liked writing the grocery store scene. sangyeon ploint bank asking if haknyeon loves him was something I liked adding in because we always expect the italicized oh moment to come in much later, so to start off a story with a flat-out NO, I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU was an interesting exercise. that, and the foreshadowing of sangyeon asking hak what would he feel if he saw sangyeon with a date make me really like how that scene turned out.
πΊ why did I make hak a radio host? no idea! but once I knew I was writing him as one, I wanted to make it so he had a established position, a show of his own, etc. it took me ages to think of a good name and "dreamland highway" only came to me because I decided his show would take the after work/dinner timeslot, so people are either going back home and stuck in traffic, or already home and winding down from the day. hence dreamland highway! they're on the way to their dreams! get it? huh? okay, sorry, I'm done now.
πΊ I loved loved loved writing the milhak lunch scene because a) milhak friendship! b) poking fun at hyunjae for always falling for/dating friends made me very happy c) hyunjae makes some valid points, sangyeon IS a walking romcom in chinos. every time I think of that line now I laugh and nod to myself like yes, that is correct.
πΊ I'll say one thing about haknyeon in this fic, though - I made him a bit more foul-mouthed than I usually do. I'm course-correcting myself a little because I think I sometimes write him leaning towards 2018 haknyeon, when 2022 haknyeon has definitely grown past his more boyish mannerisms. would a non-idol haknyeon curse a lot? I don't know! but he would curse *some*, like any of us lol
πΊ me writing sanghak: ok but has haknyeon thought sangyeon was hot in this scene yet? no? well, now he has. something else I did with this fic was explore some jealousy. haknyeon is so NOT into the idea of even hearing about sangyeon's date in the conversation in the car scene. that's something I don't usually do, or at least skirt around, most of the time - this was a change of pace! really fun to do from a haknyeon pov, to be honest. he's just like NOPE!!! NO THANKS!!!
πΊ I was really going through it with eric's hiatus because I added sunric here and to my 97z fest fic for absolutely no reason; not to mention I had just posted a bbanghak fic where maknaeline are roomates as well LOL I just loved adding this trio here and a hint of sunhak animosity because if they're not divorcees they must at least bicker... also, having sunwoo be friends with sangyeon's fling was the biggest reason why I wanted to go back and retcon that character, since I had written sangyeon's boyfriend to be someone else at the time of posting. sunwoo has good taste in friendships in all universes!
πΊ [sends kiss to the sky] to the unforgettable ddd juyeon and his blond hair. honestly, I don't remember if I had the idea to include a 2ju one-night stand early on or if it just happened, but I had a blast writing those two. and starting it off with juyeon desperate to win haknyeon at karaoke? please. this was so self-indulgent and so much fun to write.
πΊ [sighs] oh, to be ready to throw hands but not having to because your soft-voiced beloved can fuck shit up for you... I liked switching things up a bit in the car crash scene, because so far haknyeon had all the agency in the story, but when he needs it most he trusts sangyeon to take the lead. and with all his defenses down, realizing just how much he relies on sangyeon, he doesn't think twice about confessing.
it took me a while to figure out that scene, tbh... I wasn't sure if I wanted the confession to be there, but then the more I tried to work around it (no, maybe they get back home first; no, maybe they have The Talk at the hospital; no, maybe-), the more frustrated I got? until I realized that yeah, the confession had to happen right there and then, with both of their defenses down, no more pretense.
πΊ chanhee and younghoon ("CHYH") are a duo in this universe and in my head their songs are the sweetest thing ever.
πΊ and OF COURSE sunric have a happy ending too!!! I wondered if I should add a scene with them at the end, have sanghak and sunric meet up for a double date or something of the sort, but I figured that a) that would mess up with pacing a bit and stretch the ending, and b) sunric would be so very caught up in their Extra Romantic Dates that sanghak, ever the lowkey couple, would rather not lol I do like to think they sometimes have double dates/movie nights, though.
πΊ the "hak is happy to see his toothbrush next to sangyeon's" was a nod to suntheater's "when you know it has to end" because god, I love that fic. and I had to add a little nod to milkev finally being official. long live milkev!!!
final thoughts: this fic was both a delight to write and kind of a difficult task at the same time. I was just not in a good mood, but I ended up having a lot of fun in the process, which I think is one of the reasons sanghak is one of my favorite hakships: it just flows. I can just enjoy the ride and not overthink it much. is this the best fic I've ever written? no. am I still glad I wrote it? yeah!
I'll say this, though: the more I write haknyeon, the less I think I know how to write him LOL I have like, 15 (?) fics with him, I should be a little more confident by now!!! but haknyeon is just a wild card and I think I'll always second-guess myself to an extent... at least I wasn't as scared to screw up sangyeon's characterization this time around.
9k words, rated T [link]
initial thoughts: when I decided I wanted to try my hand at hakships (both as an exercise and as a birthday present to a jusadan friend), I knew I'd be giving sanghak and kyuhak a try, most likely hakric too since I'd already written a hakric fic... but I wasn't expecting to start off with a bbanghak. I thought it was hilarious that I'd start the collection with BBANGHAK, a ship that I was pretty sure no one but me would care about. (I was wrong about that, btw, bbanghak nation lives!) I don't remember what gave me the idea but as soon as I thought "bbanghak", I thought "oh, rich kids going to the same boarding school" which then somehow turned into "never let me go au in which bbanghak become friends in school and something else later on".
reading the book was such an incredible experience that I knew I wouldn't be able to emulate it entirely, but I still wanted to play around in that universe. to this day I'm still not sure it makes sense to someone who hasn't read the book/seen the movie? I tried to make it coherent, at least. I'm just not sure I succeeded because look, we all know I'm no kazuo ishiguro... we work with what we have!
the title comes from "si vis amari, ama" (if you want to be loved, then love) because I wanted something a little less obvious but still pertinent to the story somehow.
π hak refusing to pick favorites as a kid was inspired by me as an 11 year-old refusing to pick a best friend because I thought everyone kinda was my best friend. what's funny is that iirc, at some point after I had written this, haknyeon mentioned he has a hard time picking favorites... relatable as always and also validating this fic! thank you, hak.
π I forgot I had turned hailsham into hanlim! I was having a blast writing this, honestly. one of my favorite things about writing fic is putting a spin on things.
π βI just donβt know how to do it,β Younghoon told him one day. βI canβt make art like everyone else. Nothing I make is any good.β
βI donβt think art is supposed to be good, though,β Haknyeon said. Younghoon widened his eyes in surprise. βThatβs not the point of it. Art is just supposed to make you feel good. Everything else is consequence.β
I like this part, haknyeon is right... we often question our ability to make Good Things but objectively, good or bad is relative. and most of the time, that's not even the point. besides, sometimes I get the feeling younghoon judges himself a bit too harshly over skills/performance, so this just made sense when I was thinking about this plot.
π this fic was definitely an exercise in saying more using less LOL because that was one thing I loved about the book, the way it told a story without ever explaining it. it doesn't work quite as well here, but it was still fun to give it a try, for sure.
π aw, I think this might've been the first time I wrote gfriend members in as side characters! pretty sure I was listening to walpurgis night on repeat at the time...
π I realized a while ago that I tend to write sangyeon in as a supportive friend/colleague in most of my stories. and while I'm sure part of that is the leader thing, because we tend to write group leaders as someone reliable, I think that's just how I see sangyeon, too. he may not be your best friend, but if he cares about you, he'll make sure you know you have a shoulder to cry on, you know? or give you his pocket knife so you can run away from a place that's meant to kill you, anyway lol
π I don't remember the thought process behind making jeju their refuge but I like that I chose that! first because I mean, haknyeon, jeju, that's a given, but also because it'd make sense to put as much distance between hanlim and their new life, and jeju is about as far as they could probably get from seoul/gyeonggi-do without leaving the country. so it was both a fun little nod to jeju prince haknyeon and just a useful location for their hideout.
π When Haknyeon could find his voice again, he said, βI promised weβd be fine, didnβt I?β
THE INHERENT ROMANTICISM OF BEING STRONG FOR SOMEONE ELSE AND HOLDING YOURSELF TOGETHER UNTIL YOU KNOW FOR SURE THEY'RE SAFE... I just loved writing this moment. they're finally safe, so haknyeon can finally let it all out.
π and I'm physically incapable of giving tbz unhappy endings so of course I had to make it so nyukyu were the start of a silent revolution. iirc, they're specifically talking about finding sangyeon in the last scene - either sangyeon or hyunjae. and I wanted to make it clear that they have helped others, too, like jacob and youngjae. it's funny to look back now because I used to not really like the last scene in this fic. I think I got too in my head about the details, I thought I was doing a bad job with descriptions, writing stilted dialogue etc, but you know what? I like it now. and I like the hook to the very first scene too, because that's me, I like finishing fics with something from the beginning!!! full circle etc.
final thoughts: you know, going back to this fic now is kinda fun because for one, I really thought I was losing my last braincells if I thought writing bbanghak made any sense (joke's on me, I have THREE bbanghak fics now), and also because this was just so out of nowhere. why did I decide to make a never let me go au? no idea!!! but I'm glad I went there. even more glad I gave them a happy ending because oh man, this story could've gone to some really dark places...
2k words, rated G [link]
initial thoughts: well, we meet again, 2k words sunhak fic. I swear, this fic shouldn't have been as hard as it was. I struggled to get this one out, which is hilarious because up to that point I had been sunhaking pretty hard. but the divorce was getting to me and I was just... having a hard time writing them again lol we were all living through the pandemic so it just made sense to write something about those lonely days in quarantine too.
π’ OH, I MISS WRITING SUNWOO POV. it's just a free pass to be as cheesy and as dramatically poetic as you want to be. this fic in particular was sort of an exercise in writing things more freely, more stream of consciousness-y. no thoughts, head haknyeon.
π’ very funny to read the beginning of this fic now knowing haknyeon never goes out without extra batteries. he's always prepared!!!
π’ sunwoo:
more of a burger king guy actually
I just have too much fun sprinkling some projection onto sunwoo's characterization... it's me, I'm the burger king guy.
π’ 007-loving haknyeon and romcom-loving sunwoo, I love both of you guys so much. I liked adding this little nod to their tastes in this fic because if we're talking movie night between these two I'd imagine they would have to come to some sort of compromise...
final thoughts: just like the bbanghak, I think I like this fic a lot more now than I did when I first finished it. I thought it was wordy at first, but honestly? that's just how I'd write sunwoo in love nowadays too, he's just That Guy. not to quote my own fic, but I think that's also one of the things I really like about sunhak: sunwoo is just a really romantic guy and haknyeon is just really easy to love. putting them together just makes sense.
4k words, rated M [link]
initial thoughts: I don't remember what gave me the idea for this one, but I think I was just like kyuhak? oh yeah, those two would totally hook up drunk and then act like nothing ever happened the next day. just your average college au because any collection of mine has to have one, I mean, come on.
it always bothered me how I didn't credit the title in the notes... I thought I didn't have to, but it comes from arctic monkeys' "brianstorm"!
βοΈ I forgot I wrote a vegan hotdog night turned into charades night LOL this was inspired by real life events, except much less exciting than this. I also forgot this was a 5+1 fic? wow. 5+1 fics are great, I should write more of those.
βοΈ writing kyuhak is kinda like writing sanghak in the sense that I can't imagine it happening without some banter, but with kyuhak I think things are... spicier? there's real challenge and animosity thrown in the mix, while with sanghak it's more like fond bickering. kyuhak wanting to one-up each other and that leading them to the bedroom just makes for excellent kyuhak food, I think.
βοΈ two quick random notes: one, the physics majors at my university were always playing pool, that's why I reference that in the fic; and two, the friend haknyeon meets in college and connects right away with was meant to be hyunjun, even if he never fully appears in the fic. #hakhwall4ever
βοΈ haknyeon saying changmin doesn't bite him because he can bite harder just changed us as a fandom, I feel like.
βοΈ changmin has always been one of the members I'm least confident writing, because I feel like his voice is really hard to pin down, so adding a letter written by him in the story was a fun challenge. trying to get his voice right not only as changmin but also as changmin writing a letter, if that makes sense?
βοΈ ahhh I like that ending! the whole lunchtime hitchcock screening thing was also something I did a few times during college so I guess I just decided to revisit my college days with this fic??? lol but I like the way it ends. I'll be honest, I don't think I knew how I was ending this fic when I started it, but what's more romantic in a fic with changmin than choosing to look at his loved one instead of watching the ending of a hitchcock film? I mean. peak romance.
final thoughts: like I mentioned in the notes, this one was pretty easy to write. college aus, right? always a blast. one thing about writing changmin is that I'll always either make him an agent of chaos or someone who's a bit overwhelmed by his own feelings. he's definitely the latter here. all in all, I remember really just loving having the chance to write these two. who doesn't like two highly competitive people who struggle to make sense of their own feelings?!
28k words, rated T [link]
some initial thoughts: I think this was my first time doing a self-prompt for a fest, save for emofest's song prompt. usually the whole point of me joining fests is that I get to write someone else's prompts - I don't have that many good ideas myself, I like the challenge of working on a theme/idea, and I also don't need the incentive of a fest to write my own silly little stories lol but with this one, I think I was ready to just... not bother claiming. after the hunt, djf, and secret santa fics, self-prompting felt like a good call. the archive didn't have anything that screamed PLEASE CLAIM ME, either, so the stars just sort of aligned for this.
where did the idea even come from, though? I'm not a sports person, but if you were to ask me what's my favorite sport - or the one I like the most, understand most of the rules etc - I'd say it's football! (or soccer. I call it football. sorry, north americans). I've been following women's football for the past few years, and I'd been watching "ted lasso" and "yellowjackets" around prompting time, so basically I felt I just *had* to write something with football.
and I think I wanted to just... let myself do whatever? since it was a self-prompt I really wanted to just go with the flow and not worry about length, tone, ending, etc. the only person I could disappoint writing this was myself because I was the prompter! #FREEDOM, baby!!!
younghoon being an actor was just the logical choice because I still hadn't written him as a wildly successful, still-treated-as-a-talentless-pretty-face actor the way he is here. adding sunwoo was a must because I can't write footballer!tbz and not include him. and hani showed up because I had meant to write her as hyunjae's friend/mentor last year for the "devil wears prada" fic idea that never happened.
so in short: I really just let myself do whatever for this fic :')
β½ I named the coach "coach ricci" because the guy is italian and again, I was watching "yellowjackets" so christina ricci was on my mind. also hey christina if you're reading this, I'm free every weekend and my number is-
β½ from the beginning I knew I wanted sunwoo to be a star, and have him play in the premier league (FLY HIGH, SUNWOO!) but the idea of sungbin came later and it just stuck with me. I usually avoid wrinting about homophobia/homophobic characters because hey, heavy subect and too painfully close to real life for me to want to deal with that in lighthearted fics, but with this one I felt it would be a liiittle too optimistic on my part to imagine not ONE person close to him was an asshole, since, well... assholes are everywhere.
β½ (btw, kinda hard finding a name for an #evil character that's not also a known idol's name. I almmost named him sungmin, then googled it to be sure and oh shit, suju sungmin! then I changed it to seungmin and googled and oh shit, skz seungmin! I ended up looking up players' names.)
β½ the amount of research I did for the football thingies... did you know a bunch of stuff differs from country to country? and between sporting events?! like, world cup rules are only valid for the world cup! now I watch matches sometimes and go "oh they have a 5-3-2 formation" because I learned about formations here LOL didn't realize shirt numbers meant specific positions either, since women's football is more lax with that... fic teaches us so much, friends.
β½ naming hyunjae's noona "minju" was a nod to jeon minju, ex-the ark and the love of my life. and with hani as a side character and junghwa being briefly mentioned, like, seriously, this could not have been more self-indulgent.
β½ not too long after I posted this, milbbang attended an event together, so now every time I remember/reread the media wall scene, I picture this moment:
β½ also spent a ridiculous amount of time for the scene where younghoon and sunwoo bond over younghoon's brother's car... HOURS looking up cars for like, two lines of dialogue. why do we do that to ourselves? iirc the car is an aston martin...
β½ younghoon being an ex-idol was always the plan, but I think I only figured out I wanted him to be in a group with nyukyu later on. when they're in chanhee's apartment and hyunjae sees a framed picture of a group of 5, that's their group - the group was younghoon, chanhee, changmin, haknyeon, and eric. it never made it into the story, since they're never mentioned, but in my heart hakric promote as a toheart-esque duo in this universe.
β½ the drama younghoon is starring in was 100% inspired by his silver hair. I only ever alluded to it in the fic but the plot would be something about younghoon's character being a psychic detective, hence "psychomance".
β½ I was totally picturing soobin as I wrote the group of friends discussing changmin's situationship. and ofc I meant jacob when hyunjae talks about his high school experience of falling for a "patient, kind guy who lived far away"... milcob exists in all universes, that's just how it works.
β½ βWhy, because itβd be one more thing I can do better than you? Like Iβm better than you at everything else?β
I LOVED writing this part with sunwoo... I love this line. when he opens up with hyunjae later, about his struggles with football because of the toxic environment, and lets on that he's kinda (very) lonely, that was my way of honoring a fic I wanted to write ages ago and never did. that fic would be canon compliant-ish about sunwoo giving up on his football career and going for music instead, but that's never happening now, so this is the closest I'll ever get to exploring that idea.
β½ sangyeon and juyeon being part of the national team made me happy for some reason; sangyeon playing in china and juyeon in japan also made perfect sense. geonhak and gunmin are leedo and seoho from oneus because I'm me, and minhyuk is btob's minhyuk. I considered making juyeon the goalkeeper since, well, long limbs! but the world is too fast for him, so defender it is. I pictured both sangju as defenders.
β½ silver younghoon AND peachy younghoon in one fic? my gift to myself.
β½ writing the matches was an interesting exercise because on the one hand, this is not a story about football - this is about hyunjae and younghoon. I didn't want to write looooooong match scenes that would get boring pretty fast, especially for people who are not familiar with football. but then again, it *is* a story about hyunjae as a footballer, and how important that sport is to him, so I couldn't just gloss over it either, the matches had to be shown on-screen/described... finding the balance was hard but fun! and figuring out teams for south korea to play against also took some research because like, everyone knows germany is a strong team, but how high were they in the fifa ranking in 2021? and how had south korea been faring so far? had those two ever played against each other? who was gonna play in the 2022 world cup, anyway? it was interesting to read up on classifying criteria and stuff. very fun doing research for stuff you're actually into, I liked learning more about football.
β½ tmi: during the 2022 world cup, I tripped and fell hard on my knee one day when we were all at home to watch the matches (we take the world cup seriously here!!), and now I'm wondering if I jinxed myself by writing hyunjae getting injured during one of the matches lol
β½ oh wait I had argentina eliminate south korea in the fic, and argentina actually won the 2022 world cup LOL I called it, folks.
β½ the fic was finished and ready to be posted when hyunjae posted on instagram with the same emoji I wrote him using in the fic, which got a chuckle out of me. thanks for the blessing, hyunjae!
β½ the last scene was one I really, really loved writing. I love ending with group scenes, clearly!!! and imagining this group of friends just made me happy :')
final thoughts: I adore this fic. not only for the subject matter because yes, football is fun and making it about tbz only makes it more fun, but because I think this might be the most milbbang-y of my milbbangs. just two dudes who really crave connection and find someone to rely on when they need it the most... <3 very cute of them. and tbz has been SO into football since this fic was posted LOL they're doing it for me, thanks boyz!!
truth of the matter is, there's some fics I've always wanted to talk about, or just revisit in general, but never got around to do it. this also serves as a sort of blog post since I'm not that into tweeting my thoughtsTM lately, what with the state of twitter in general... fingers crossed it dies out soon but not too soon because we still need an alternative for fandom news!!
starting with some tmi and personal updates (cw for mental health and medication talk) - I've mentioned this before but I was in a bad spot in 2022, to the point where I wasn't really fandom-ing as I usually do. things got Bad, I went back on meds in august/22 (had stopped them pre-pandemic), and stayed on them for the good part of 2023. they helped a bunch, even more than I was expecting, with the only downside being that they left me a little (a lot) numb? lol that meant no real drive to do anything creative, including writing. I was really just going with the flow.
I'm off the meds again, however, and that's already changed things up again. I've been writing blog posts?! what do you mean I have thoughts I wanna share with the world?! how novel!!! I've also been writing a ton lately, digging up some old wips and stuff I wanted to finish... and going over these fics here was certainly part of the process of getting inspired. who doesn't love going back to old universes?
dreamland highway (sanghak, friends to lovers)
13k words, rated T [link]
initial thoughts: I went into this fest knowing that I'd be up for writing anything except maybe bbanghak (because I already had a half-finished fic for them collecting dust in my drive) and hakric (because I'd just written a hakric for djf round 2). other than that, though, anything would be cool. and I like sanghak, their dynamic is a really fun one to explore to me. friends to lovers with a healthy dose of bickering? literally my bread and butter. I think that's what drew me to this prompt. that, and the fact that it was a straightforward one - I wouldn't risk missing the deadline with a friends to lovers, contemporary au. (at least I hoped I wouldn't!)
[cue arctic monkeys' "why'd you only call me when you're high"]
πΊ I think that first scene with hak knocking on sangyeon's door while drunk was all I had when I started. this scene was the first thing that came to mind when I read the prompt, so everything that came later was inspired by it lol
πΊ fellas is it gay to notice how hot your friend looks under the unflattering lights of a supermarket? no but honestly, I liked writing the grocery store scene. sangyeon ploint bank asking if haknyeon loves him was something I liked adding in because we always expect the italicized oh moment to come in much later, so to start off a story with a flat-out NO, I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU was an interesting exercise. that, and the foreshadowing of sangyeon asking hak what would he feel if he saw sangyeon with a date make me really like how that scene turned out.
πΊ why did I make hak a radio host? no idea! but once I knew I was writing him as one, I wanted to make it so he had a established position, a show of his own, etc. it took me ages to think of a good name and "dreamland highway" only came to me because I decided his show would take the after work/dinner timeslot, so people are either going back home and stuck in traffic, or already home and winding down from the day. hence dreamland highway! they're on the way to their dreams! get it? huh? okay, sorry, I'm done now.
πΊ I loved loved loved writing the milhak lunch scene because a) milhak friendship! b) poking fun at hyunjae for always falling for/dating friends made me very happy c) hyunjae makes some valid points, sangyeon IS a walking romcom in chinos. every time I think of that line now I laugh and nod to myself like yes, that is correct.
πΊ I'll say one thing about haknyeon in this fic, though - I made him a bit more foul-mouthed than I usually do. I'm course-correcting myself a little because I think I sometimes write him leaning towards 2018 haknyeon, when 2022 haknyeon has definitely grown past his more boyish mannerisms. would a non-idol haknyeon curse a lot? I don't know! but he would curse *some*, like any of us lol
πΊ me writing sanghak: ok but has haknyeon thought sangyeon was hot in this scene yet? no? well, now he has. something else I did with this fic was explore some jealousy. haknyeon is so NOT into the idea of even hearing about sangyeon's date in the conversation in the car scene. that's something I don't usually do, or at least skirt around, most of the time - this was a change of pace! really fun to do from a haknyeon pov, to be honest. he's just like NOPE!!! NO THANKS!!!
πΊ I was really going through it with eric's hiatus because I added sunric here and to my 97z fest fic for absolutely no reason; not to mention I had just posted a bbanghak fic where maknaeline are roomates as well LOL I just loved adding this trio here and a hint of sunhak animosity because if they're not divorcees they must at least bicker... also, having sunwoo be friends with sangyeon's fling was the biggest reason why I wanted to go back and retcon that character, since I had written sangyeon's boyfriend to be someone else at the time of posting. sunwoo has good taste in friendships in all universes!
πΊ [sends kiss to the sky] to the unforgettable ddd juyeon and his blond hair. honestly, I don't remember if I had the idea to include a 2ju one-night stand early on or if it just happened, but I had a blast writing those two. and starting it off with juyeon desperate to win haknyeon at karaoke? please. this was so self-indulgent and so much fun to write.
πΊ [sighs] oh, to be ready to throw hands but not having to because your soft-voiced beloved can fuck shit up for you... I liked switching things up a bit in the car crash scene, because so far haknyeon had all the agency in the story, but when he needs it most he trusts sangyeon to take the lead. and with all his defenses down, realizing just how much he relies on sangyeon, he doesn't think twice about confessing.
it took me a while to figure out that scene, tbh... I wasn't sure if I wanted the confession to be there, but then the more I tried to work around it (no, maybe they get back home first; no, maybe they have The Talk at the hospital; no, maybe-), the more frustrated I got? until I realized that yeah, the confession had to happen right there and then, with both of their defenses down, no more pretense.
πΊ chanhee and younghoon ("CHYH") are a duo in this universe and in my head their songs are the sweetest thing ever.
πΊ and OF COURSE sunric have a happy ending too!!! I wondered if I should add a scene with them at the end, have sanghak and sunric meet up for a double date or something of the sort, but I figured that a) that would mess up with pacing a bit and stretch the ending, and b) sunric would be so very caught up in their Extra Romantic Dates that sanghak, ever the lowkey couple, would rather not lol I do like to think they sometimes have double dates/movie nights, though.
πΊ the "hak is happy to see his toothbrush next to sangyeon's" was a nod to suntheater's "when you know it has to end" because god, I love that fic. and I had to add a little nod to milkev finally being official. long live milkev!!!
final thoughts: this fic was both a delight to write and kind of a difficult task at the same time. I was just not in a good mood, but I ended up having a lot of fun in the process, which I think is one of the reasons sanghak is one of my favorite hakships: it just flows. I can just enjoy the ride and not overthink it much. is this the best fic I've ever written? no. am I still glad I wrote it? yeah!
I'll say this, though: the more I write haknyeon, the less I think I know how to write him LOL I have like, 15 (?) fics with him, I should be a little more confident by now!!! but haknyeon is just a wild card and I think I'll always second-guess myself to an extent... at least I wasn't as scared to screw up sangyeon's characterization this time around.
si vis amari (bbanghak, never let me go au)
9k words, rated T [link]
initial thoughts: when I decided I wanted to try my hand at hakships (both as an exercise and as a birthday present to a jusadan friend), I knew I'd be giving sanghak and kyuhak a try, most likely hakric too since I'd already written a hakric fic... but I wasn't expecting to start off with a bbanghak. I thought it was hilarious that I'd start the collection with BBANGHAK, a ship that I was pretty sure no one but me would care about. (I was wrong about that, btw, bbanghak nation lives!) I don't remember what gave me the idea but as soon as I thought "bbanghak", I thought "oh, rich kids going to the same boarding school" which then somehow turned into "never let me go au in which bbanghak become friends in school and something else later on".
reading the book was such an incredible experience that I knew I wouldn't be able to emulate it entirely, but I still wanted to play around in that universe. to this day I'm still not sure it makes sense to someone who hasn't read the book/seen the movie? I tried to make it coherent, at least. I'm just not sure I succeeded because look, we all know I'm no kazuo ishiguro... we work with what we have!
the title comes from "si vis amari, ama" (if you want to be loved, then love) because I wanted something a little less obvious but still pertinent to the story somehow.
π hak refusing to pick favorites as a kid was inspired by me as an 11 year-old refusing to pick a best friend because I thought everyone kinda was my best friend. what's funny is that iirc, at some point after I had written this, haknyeon mentioned he has a hard time picking favorites... relatable as always and also validating this fic! thank you, hak.
π I forgot I had turned hailsham into hanlim! I was having a blast writing this, honestly. one of my favorite things about writing fic is putting a spin on things.
π βI just donβt know how to do it,β Younghoon told him one day. βI canβt make art like everyone else. Nothing I make is any good.β
βI donβt think art is supposed to be good, though,β Haknyeon said. Younghoon widened his eyes in surprise. βThatβs not the point of it. Art is just supposed to make you feel good. Everything else is consequence.β
I like this part, haknyeon is right... we often question our ability to make Good Things but objectively, good or bad is relative. and most of the time, that's not even the point. besides, sometimes I get the feeling younghoon judges himself a bit too harshly over skills/performance, so this just made sense when I was thinking about this plot.
π this fic was definitely an exercise in saying more using less LOL because that was one thing I loved about the book, the way it told a story without ever explaining it. it doesn't work quite as well here, but it was still fun to give it a try, for sure.
π aw, I think this might've been the first time I wrote gfriend members in as side characters! pretty sure I was listening to walpurgis night on repeat at the time...
π I realized a while ago that I tend to write sangyeon in as a supportive friend/colleague in most of my stories. and while I'm sure part of that is the leader thing, because we tend to write group leaders as someone reliable, I think that's just how I see sangyeon, too. he may not be your best friend, but if he cares about you, he'll make sure you know you have a shoulder to cry on, you know? or give you his pocket knife so you can run away from a place that's meant to kill you, anyway lol
π I don't remember the thought process behind making jeju their refuge but I like that I chose that! first because I mean, haknyeon, jeju, that's a given, but also because it'd make sense to put as much distance between hanlim and their new life, and jeju is about as far as they could probably get from seoul/gyeonggi-do without leaving the country. so it was both a fun little nod to jeju prince haknyeon and just a useful location for their hideout.
π When Haknyeon could find his voice again, he said, βI promised weβd be fine, didnβt I?β
THE INHERENT ROMANTICISM OF BEING STRONG FOR SOMEONE ELSE AND HOLDING YOURSELF TOGETHER UNTIL YOU KNOW FOR SURE THEY'RE SAFE... I just loved writing this moment. they're finally safe, so haknyeon can finally let it all out.
π and I'm physically incapable of giving tbz unhappy endings so of course I had to make it so nyukyu were the start of a silent revolution. iirc, they're specifically talking about finding sangyeon in the last scene - either sangyeon or hyunjae. and I wanted to make it clear that they have helped others, too, like jacob and youngjae. it's funny to look back now because I used to not really like the last scene in this fic. I think I got too in my head about the details, I thought I was doing a bad job with descriptions, writing stilted dialogue etc, but you know what? I like it now. and I like the hook to the very first scene too, because that's me, I like finishing fics with something from the beginning!!! full circle etc.
final thoughts: you know, going back to this fic now is kinda fun because for one, I really thought I was losing my last braincells if I thought writing bbanghak made any sense (joke's on me, I have THREE bbanghak fics now), and also because this was just so out of nowhere. why did I decide to make a never let me go au? no idea!!! but I'm glad I went there. even more glad I gave them a happy ending because oh man, this story could've gone to some really dark places...
311/312 (sunhak, neighbors to lovers)
2k words, rated G [link]
initial thoughts: well, we meet again, 2k words sunhak fic. I swear, this fic shouldn't have been as hard as it was. I struggled to get this one out, which is hilarious because up to that point I had been sunhaking pretty hard. but the divorce was getting to me and I was just... having a hard time writing them again lol we were all living through the pandemic so it just made sense to write something about those lonely days in quarantine too.
π’ OH, I MISS WRITING SUNWOO POV. it's just a free pass to be as cheesy and as dramatically poetic as you want to be. this fic in particular was sort of an exercise in writing things more freely, more stream of consciousness-y. no thoughts, head haknyeon.
π’ very funny to read the beginning of this fic now knowing haknyeon never goes out without extra batteries. he's always prepared!!!
π’ sunwoo:
more of a burger king guy actually
I just have too much fun sprinkling some projection onto sunwoo's characterization... it's me, I'm the burger king guy.
π’ 007-loving haknyeon and romcom-loving sunwoo, I love both of you guys so much. I liked adding this little nod to their tastes in this fic because if we're talking movie night between these two I'd imagine they would have to come to some sort of compromise...
final thoughts: just like the bbanghak, I think I like this fic a lot more now than I did when I first finished it. I thought it was wordy at first, but honestly? that's just how I'd write sunwoo in love nowadays too, he's just That Guy. not to quote my own fic, but I think that's also one of the things I really like about sunhak: sunwoo is just a really romantic guy and haknyeon is just really easy to love. putting them together just makes sense.
you're the unforecasted storm (kyuhak, friends to lovers)
4k words, rated M [link]
initial thoughts: I don't remember what gave me the idea for this one, but I think I was just like kyuhak? oh yeah, those two would totally hook up drunk and then act like nothing ever happened the next day. just your average college au because any collection of mine has to have one, I mean, come on.
it always bothered me how I didn't credit the title in the notes... I thought I didn't have to, but it comes from arctic monkeys' "brianstorm"!
βοΈ I forgot I wrote a vegan hotdog night turned into charades night LOL this was inspired by real life events, except much less exciting than this. I also forgot this was a 5+1 fic? wow. 5+1 fics are great, I should write more of those.
βοΈ writing kyuhak is kinda like writing sanghak in the sense that I can't imagine it happening without some banter, but with kyuhak I think things are... spicier? there's real challenge and animosity thrown in the mix, while with sanghak it's more like fond bickering. kyuhak wanting to one-up each other and that leading them to the bedroom just makes for excellent kyuhak food, I think.
βοΈ two quick random notes: one, the physics majors at my university were always playing pool, that's why I reference that in the fic; and two, the friend haknyeon meets in college and connects right away with was meant to be hyunjun, even if he never fully appears in the fic. #hakhwall4ever
βοΈ haknyeon saying changmin doesn't bite him because he can bite harder just changed us as a fandom, I feel like.
βοΈ changmin has always been one of the members I'm least confident writing, because I feel like his voice is really hard to pin down, so adding a letter written by him in the story was a fun challenge. trying to get his voice right not only as changmin but also as changmin writing a letter, if that makes sense?
βοΈ ahhh I like that ending! the whole lunchtime hitchcock screening thing was also something I did a few times during college so I guess I just decided to revisit my college days with this fic??? lol but I like the way it ends. I'll be honest, I don't think I knew how I was ending this fic when I started it, but what's more romantic in a fic with changmin than choosing to look at his loved one instead of watching the ending of a hitchcock film? I mean. peak romance.
final thoughts: like I mentioned in the notes, this one was pretty easy to write. college aus, right? always a blast. one thing about writing changmin is that I'll always either make him an agent of chaos or someone who's a bit overwhelmed by his own feelings. he's definitely the latter here. all in all, I remember really just loving having the chance to write these two. who doesn't like two highly competitive people who struggle to make sense of their own feelings?!
underneath it all (milbbang, footballer!hyunjae)
28k words, rated T [link]
some initial thoughts: I think this was my first time doing a self-prompt for a fest, save for emofest's song prompt. usually the whole point of me joining fests is that I get to write someone else's prompts - I don't have that many good ideas myself, I like the challenge of working on a theme/idea, and I also don't need the incentive of a fest to write my own silly little stories lol but with this one, I think I was ready to just... not bother claiming. after the hunt, djf, and secret santa fics, self-prompting felt like a good call. the archive didn't have anything that screamed PLEASE CLAIM ME, either, so the stars just sort of aligned for this.
where did the idea even come from, though? I'm not a sports person, but if you were to ask me what's my favorite sport - or the one I like the most, understand most of the rules etc - I'd say it's football! (or soccer. I call it football. sorry, north americans). I've been following women's football for the past few years, and I'd been watching "ted lasso" and "yellowjackets" around prompting time, so basically I felt I just *had* to write something with football.
and I think I wanted to just... let myself do whatever? since it was a self-prompt I really wanted to just go with the flow and not worry about length, tone, ending, etc. the only person I could disappoint writing this was myself because I was the prompter! #FREEDOM, baby!!!
younghoon being an actor was just the logical choice because I still hadn't written him as a wildly successful, still-treated-as-a-talentless-pretty-face actor the way he is here. adding sunwoo was a must because I can't write footballer!tbz and not include him. and hani showed up because I had meant to write her as hyunjae's friend/mentor last year for the "devil wears prada" fic idea that never happened.
so in short: I really just let myself do whatever for this fic :')
β½ I named the coach "coach ricci" because the guy is italian and again, I was watching "yellowjackets" so christina ricci was on my mind. also hey christina if you're reading this, I'm free every weekend and my number is-
β½ from the beginning I knew I wanted sunwoo to be a star, and have him play in the premier league (FLY HIGH, SUNWOO!) but the idea of sungbin came later and it just stuck with me. I usually avoid wrinting about homophobia/homophobic characters because hey, heavy subect and too painfully close to real life for me to want to deal with that in lighthearted fics, but with this one I felt it would be a liiittle too optimistic on my part to imagine not ONE person close to him was an asshole, since, well... assholes are everywhere.
β½ (btw, kinda hard finding a name for an #evil character that's not also a known idol's name. I almmost named him sungmin, then googled it to be sure and oh shit, suju sungmin! then I changed it to seungmin and googled and oh shit, skz seungmin! I ended up looking up players' names.)
β½ the amount of research I did for the football thingies... did you know a bunch of stuff differs from country to country? and between sporting events?! like, world cup rules are only valid for the world cup! now I watch matches sometimes and go "oh they have a 5-3-2 formation" because I learned about formations here LOL didn't realize shirt numbers meant specific positions either, since women's football is more lax with that... fic teaches us so much, friends.
β½ naming hyunjae's noona "minju" was a nod to jeon minju, ex-the ark and the love of my life. and with hani as a side character and junghwa being briefly mentioned, like, seriously, this could not have been more self-indulgent.
β½ not too long after I posted this, milbbang attended an event together, so now every time I remember/reread the media wall scene, I picture this moment:
220926 μμ¬νβ€οΈλμ΄ λλ§μ£ΌμΉλ€..λ΄κ° μ€λ #λ보μ΄μ¦ #μν #νμ¬ #THEBOYZ #YOUNGHOON #HYUNJAE pic.twitter.com/CTG0aKF3L6
— μ주ｑ+οΎβ‘ (@Ready_set_Q__) September 26, 2022
β½ also spent a ridiculous amount of time for the scene where younghoon and sunwoo bond over younghoon's brother's car... HOURS looking up cars for like, two lines of dialogue. why do we do that to ourselves? iirc the car is an aston martin...
β½ younghoon being an ex-idol was always the plan, but I think I only figured out I wanted him to be in a group with nyukyu later on. when they're in chanhee's apartment and hyunjae sees a framed picture of a group of 5, that's their group - the group was younghoon, chanhee, changmin, haknyeon, and eric. it never made it into the story, since they're never mentioned, but in my heart hakric promote as a toheart-esque duo in this universe.
β½ the drama younghoon is starring in was 100% inspired by his silver hair. I only ever alluded to it in the fic but the plot would be something about younghoon's character being a psychic detective, hence "psychomance".
β½ I was totally picturing soobin as I wrote the group of friends discussing changmin's situationship. and ofc I meant jacob when hyunjae talks about his high school experience of falling for a "patient, kind guy who lived far away"... milcob exists in all universes, that's just how it works.
β½ βWhy, because itβd be one more thing I can do better than you? Like Iβm better than you at everything else?β
I LOVED writing this part with sunwoo... I love this line. when he opens up with hyunjae later, about his struggles with football because of the toxic environment, and lets on that he's kinda (very) lonely, that was my way of honoring a fic I wanted to write ages ago and never did. that fic would be canon compliant-ish about sunwoo giving up on his football career and going for music instead, but that's never happening now, so this is the closest I'll ever get to exploring that idea.
β½ sangyeon and juyeon being part of the national team made me happy for some reason; sangyeon playing in china and juyeon in japan also made perfect sense. geonhak and gunmin are leedo and seoho from oneus because I'm me, and minhyuk is btob's minhyuk. I considered making juyeon the goalkeeper since, well, long limbs! but the world is too fast for him, so defender it is. I pictured both sangju as defenders.
β½ silver younghoon AND peachy younghoon in one fic? my gift to myself.
β½ writing the matches was an interesting exercise because on the one hand, this is not a story about football - this is about hyunjae and younghoon. I didn't want to write looooooong match scenes that would get boring pretty fast, especially for people who are not familiar with football. but then again, it *is* a story about hyunjae as a footballer, and how important that sport is to him, so I couldn't just gloss over it either, the matches had to be shown on-screen/described... finding the balance was hard but fun! and figuring out teams for south korea to play against also took some research because like, everyone knows germany is a strong team, but how high were they in the fifa ranking in 2021? and how had south korea been faring so far? had those two ever played against each other? who was gonna play in the 2022 world cup, anyway? it was interesting to read up on classifying criteria and stuff. very fun doing research for stuff you're actually into, I liked learning more about football.
β½ tmi: during the 2022 world cup, I tripped and fell hard on my knee one day when we were all at home to watch the matches (we take the world cup seriously here!!), and now I'm wondering if I jinxed myself by writing hyunjae getting injured during one of the matches lol
β½ oh wait I had argentina eliminate south korea in the fic, and argentina actually won the 2022 world cup LOL I called it, folks.
β½ the fic was finished and ready to be posted when hyunjae posted on instagram with the same emoji I wrote him using in the fic, which got a chuckle out of me. thanks for the blessing, hyunjae!
β½ the last scene was one I really, really loved writing. I love ending with group scenes, clearly!!! and imagining this group of friends just made me happy :')
final thoughts: I adore this fic. not only for the subject matter because yes, football is fun and making it about tbz only makes it more fun, but because I think this might be the most milbbang-y of my milbbangs. just two dudes who really crave connection and find someone to rely on when they need it the most... <3 very cute of them. and tbz has been SO into football since this fic was posted LOL they're doing it for me, thanks boyz!!
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