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Entry tags:
friday five + musings
first the questions:
1. Books or movies?
books! I've always answered books to this, and it's still true; I get more involved, I'm less judgmental lol books are more a part of my routine than movies.
2. Indoors or outdoors?
indoors. I'm the stereotypical introvert that only leaves the house because she has to, otherwise I'd choose to stay home 90% of the time. (the 10% is for concerts and theater.)
3. Morning person or night owl?
night owl without a doubt. I've always studied in the morning and never got used to it. more often than not I wake up "early" these days (before 9am), but still stay in bed for as long as I can...
4. Online messaging or physical letters?
I think... physical letters? more time to think, less urgency, more time to expand on topics, handwriting!!!
5. Dragons or unicorns?
I'm not crazy about either but dragons.
now for the rambling:
I've been in such a foul mood lately. it feels like I only ever come here to say I'm not doing well mentally but wow, I'm not doing well mentally! wondering if I should up my meds or something because I'm annoyed at how annoyed I am. (?!)
everything is irritating me. and I mean, everything, even the most stupid things. I've been noticing a pattern lately where I get unexplainably annoyed by people liking things I dislike; not in a petty, "ugh, how can you like X when Y is so much better!", but just in a very puzzling "I can NOT understand why anyone would like this". which is... reductive, and not very how I've felt most of my life. I've usually been pretty chill about liking one thing while other people liked another. these days, though, it's been just me getting irritated and annoyed at... everything. people liking taylor swift. ariana grande. the odyssey (the nolan version). kpop groups I won't name so I don't unwittingly offend anyone. throne of glass. white cars. tiktok challenges. tiktok itself. what flavor of mental illness is this?
been feeling very antisocial too. the few friends I talk to recently have been trying to talk about different things but due to my irritability (see above) I just can't engage. which in turn makes me feel kinda lonely, in the "well, I guess no one likes the same things I do, and on the same level, so fuck me". it's always been a thing with me that if I talk about something I like and/or am excited about and the person doesn't match the excitement, or doesn't show interest, or worse, dismisses it entirely, I just never talk about that thing with them ever again. and with the sudden I Hate Everything personality shift, it's just been me not giving two shits about whatever the fuck people are talking about, and not bringing up what I like either. I'm currently essentially an unresponsive jerk.
it's not fun, and it's not on purpose. I mean, my actions are deliberate but I don't *want* to be this pissy and annoyed at everything. I've become the 🙄 emoji and I didn't mean to!!!
there's one thing, though - I haven't been writing. and I know damn well that writing is an outlet for me, it keeps my brain busy so it doesn't start eating itself. so one thing I wanna do is see if I can pick up the pace again, write even if it's silly drabbles just so I'm not in my head all the time. being in someone else's head is sooooo much more convenient.
essentially, I am and have always been this post:
and I'm all out of entertainment (already bingewatched what I could stand) so it's time to be productive!!!
1. Books or movies?
books! I've always answered books to this, and it's still true; I get more involved, I'm less judgmental lol books are more a part of my routine than movies.
2. Indoors or outdoors?
indoors. I'm the stereotypical introvert that only leaves the house because she has to, otherwise I'd choose to stay home 90% of the time. (the 10% is for concerts and theater.)
3. Morning person or night owl?
night owl without a doubt. I've always studied in the morning and never got used to it. more often than not I wake up "early" these days (before 9am), but still stay in bed for as long as I can...
4. Online messaging or physical letters?
I think... physical letters? more time to think, less urgency, more time to expand on topics, handwriting!!!
5. Dragons or unicorns?
I'm not crazy about either but dragons.
now for the rambling:
I've been in such a foul mood lately. it feels like I only ever come here to say I'm not doing well mentally but wow, I'm not doing well mentally! wondering if I should up my meds or something because I'm annoyed at how annoyed I am. (?!)
everything is irritating me. and I mean, everything, even the most stupid things. I've been noticing a pattern lately where I get unexplainably annoyed by people liking things I dislike; not in a petty, "ugh, how can you like X when Y is so much better!", but just in a very puzzling "I can NOT understand why anyone would like this". which is... reductive, and not very how I've felt most of my life. I've usually been pretty chill about liking one thing while other people liked another. these days, though, it's been just me getting irritated and annoyed at... everything. people liking taylor swift. ariana grande. the odyssey (the nolan version). kpop groups I won't name so I don't unwittingly offend anyone. throne of glass. white cars. tiktok challenges. tiktok itself. what flavor of mental illness is this?
been feeling very antisocial too. the few friends I talk to recently have been trying to talk about different things but due to my irritability (see above) I just can't engage. which in turn makes me feel kinda lonely, in the "well, I guess no one likes the same things I do, and on the same level, so fuck me". it's always been a thing with me that if I talk about something I like and/or am excited about and the person doesn't match the excitement, or doesn't show interest, or worse, dismisses it entirely, I just never talk about that thing with them ever again. and with the sudden I Hate Everything personality shift, it's just been me not giving two shits about whatever the fuck people are talking about, and not bringing up what I like either. I'm currently essentially an unresponsive jerk.
it's not fun, and it's not on purpose. I mean, my actions are deliberate but I don't *want* to be this pissy and annoyed at everything. I've become the 🙄 emoji and I didn't mean to!!!
there's one thing, though - I haven't been writing. and I know damn well that writing is an outlet for me, it keeps my brain busy so it doesn't start eating itself. so one thing I wanna do is see if I can pick up the pace again, write even if it's silly drabbles just so I'm not in my head all the time. being in someone else's head is sooooo much more convenient.
essentially, I am and have always been this post:
and I'm all out of entertainment (already bingewatched what I could stand) so it's time to be productive!!!
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